Check Out Your Love Life!
Are you looking after the one closest to you?
by Geli Hamilton

Did you have to think for a split-second who it is who is closest to you? Perhaps you came up with a spouse, partner, children, a family member, friends or even a pet?

Well, in my books the person closest to me is myself, and more often than not, it is easy to overlook the importance I have in my own life.
Our society is so geared to instilling the value of giving to and caring for others, particularly in women, that the thought of putting oneself first immediately tends to bring up guilt and other feelings of discomfort.

Of course, there is a continuum and some people are selfish, but more often than not, I work with and talk to other women who are exhausted, feeling empty and depleted as a result of the huge demands that every single day puts on them. Advances in technology have not really made our lives easier, but seem to speed things up and add intensity.

When digging deeper for the reasons for the exhaustion and emptiness, I find that they can most of the time be reduced to the simple fact that you may not be nurturing and acknowledging yourself enough. Often you put yourself last in line, but, honestly, why would you not treat yourself at least as well as any other person in your life?  

There seem to be 3 major issues that contribute to the challenge of looking after yourself in a loving and supportive way:  

1. Doing versus Being

You may get so caught up carrying out all the activities that every day brings that there is seemingly no opportunity to take out time for yourself. As a society, we are so results-oriented, that often success gets measured by how much we can accomplish during the day. But no matter how much you get done each day, there is a new list the next day and it is never-ending!

In addition, sometimes it can be easier to focus on others, because then you do not need not pay attention to your own issues and look at and face painful, scary or just simply difficult matters that may need to be explored and dealt with. You may not even be aware that you are in avoidance mode while you are working so hard.

 So, what action can you take to get yourself out of the busy-ness?

• Give yourself permission every day to be quiet for a few minutes. Just sit down somewhere, close your eyes, breathe and feel what is going on in your body. If there is tension, notice where it is and breathe into it. Pay attention to your feelings as well. Identify them and accept them for what they are without judging them or crating a story around them. If your mind is racing, instruct yourself to focus on breathing in and out. Keep it simple. Length of time is not as important as your intention to be present to yourself for a little while.

Over time it will become easier and easier to check in with yourself at various times through the day, creating little breathing spaces that refresh and support you. Honoring yourself in this way allows you to connect much more deeply with yourself and creates the base for making decisions that empower you.

2. Give and Take

How good are you at receiving compliments, gifts or even a simple ”I love you” from others? Do you immediately feel the need to reciprocate?

Looking at this issue from an energetic point of view, energy has to flow in and out of the body. In order to give, you have to be able to receive. If you keep giving without receiving, you empty yourself and over time you will experience exhaustion and emptiness and often this is accompanied by feelings of martyrdom and “poor me” issues.

So, what action can you take to increase your ability to receive?

• Next time you receive a compliment, listen, feel, take it in and just say “thank you”. No reply, comeback, deflection. Someone is giving you a gift – can you receive it and let the giver see how much you value it? Giving a compliment back often feels empty because it is not spontaneous, but reactive and thereby you actually decrease the value of the other person’s gift to you.

Remember, you can only give to others what you have been willing to give to yourself

3. Boundaries

How often do you say “yes” to something that you truly would rather say “no” to?

You may wish to please others so that they like and accept you, but if you do not let people know where you stand, they will sense the incongruity and become confused. Also, what you are showing yourself is that you do not matter. Being true to who you are is what other people are looking for and connect into. If they cannot find your true self, they cannot connect.

Not saying “no” when you mean it, creates resentment and emptiness inside yourself. You resent doing something you do not want to do and feel empty because you cannot be yourself and thereby lose touch with the special and unique person that you are. It is important to learn to say “no” without fear and guilt.

So, what action can you take to strengthen your boundaries?

• One simple way is to start setting goals for different areas of your life. When you have a decision to make, first of all, take time to notice how you feel. Is fear or guilt coming up? Then   think of a goal in your life that may be related and see how your decision would affect that goal. Is your answer supportive or unsupportive of your values, your vision and goals?

• Also, start saying “no” to little, more inconsequential things and then notice how you feel in your body. From there you can slowly move on to more important issues. Bringing out the big guns right away may be too overwhelming. The first “no” is the toughest, but is the first step on your road to acknowledging your own importance.

So, give yourself permission to be, to receive and to say “no” and observe how it changes your relationship to yourself.

A few years ago I bought myself a special ring and promised to love, trust and respect myself through good times and bad times. Sometimes I forget, but often I remember…

How about you? Will you remember to look after yourself with love, trust and respect?